


before dawn

by Leamei



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Garden of Light, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-07 08:59:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16405325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leamei/pseuds/Leamei
Summary: “I know he's not dead, Ibe-san. He's hiding somewhere, alone. I have to go back to him-”Ibe closes his eyes, clenching his phone so hard his knuckles turn white. His eyes are burning beneath his lids. He knows Eiji's are as well.“Ei-chan, I know it must be hard but-”“No, I know he's out there and I need to be by his side,” Eiji's voice is frantic yet barely loud enough for Ibe to hear him, and the desperate tone in his voice feels like a stab in the older man's heart. “I need to go back-”“Sing saw the body.Max saw the body. He's gone, Ei-chan.”





	before dawn

**Author's Note:**

> a very short self-indulgent piece.... this is dedicated to a close mutual who loves eiji and eiji-angst (hi celia) :'). hope you have fun reading this!

He doesn't want to believe it. Ibe had stopped breathing as soon as he heard the news, thinking of the reasons why Max would make such a terrible joke.

“I wasn't there for him.” Ibe can barely understand Max with his voice breaking so much, and that's how he knows Max is far too devastated to be pulling his leg, let alone speak. “No one was. He somehow died, all alone, in the middle of a crowded library- shit.” Max interrupts himself, inhaling deeply but shakily. Ibe hears him stifling his tears and it feels like a punch to the stomach.

He also thinks of their naivety. For thinking that Ash was invincible. Safe. Untouchable.

And while the news have shaken him to his core, one thought is preventing Ibe from grieving yet.

“Does Ei-chan know?”

Max clears his throat on the other end of the line.

“I don't think I'll ever have the courage to tell the boy. Especially him.”

* * *

It's been a few hours only since he's heard the news. Sitting with his head in his hands, his stomach's in knots. He's already booked an express train for Izumo, leaving the day after. Why did he even accept this business trip to Tokyo in the first place?

Max asked him to tell Ei-chan as soon as possible. But Ibe just couldn't do this through a phone call. It felt- wrong. The boy deserved better. He deserved to have more than just a distant staticky voice when he'll hear about it. Ibe was the only other person in Japan who knew how much Ash meant for Eiji. Swallowing down a lump in his throat, he gets up from the hotel bed and starts packing his belongings.

Fate had other plans for Ibe Shunichi though- for his phone rang, to his surprise, and his heart dropped upon seeing the name showing on the screen.

* * *

Eiji had called to take news from Ibe-san. They had only been back in Japan for a day and his mentor was already traveling for work, despite having taken such good care of Eiji. 

_He just wanted to take news from Ibe-san._

Because he didn't need to ask Ibe-san about Ash; the older man wouldn't know any better than Eiji about how the blonde is doing back in New York. If anything, Ash surely is settling down and cleaning up after the whole mess. And Eiji knows it's only been a day, but he misses him terribly – feels his absence, like a void in his heart that is just waiting to be filled once again.  
Yet, he doesn't feel that down - because Ash must've gotten the plane ticket and will join him soon. Soon, both Ash and himself will be whole once again.

That's why he spends the rest of the call telling Ibe-san about where he'll take Ash once the American boy arrives in Japan; what he'll cook for him; what kind of sights he'll be offering him, and-

Ibe-san breaks. Eiji hears him choke back a sob and suddenly feels sick.

_“I'm so sorry, Ei-chan-”_

_“You don't deserve it- both of you”_

__

_“I'm sorry for making you come back-”_

In between the suppressed tears, Eiji can somehow understand Ibe-san, even if he doesn't want to. He hears about Ash getting stabbed in the middle of New York. He hears about death. Ash's death.

Something he never thought would happen. Despite all his fears, all his hurdles, _their hurdles_ , he never thought of it – because Ash had always managed to come back and hold him in his arms again. Except that one last time at the hospital. The last time they saw each other. _**The last time they'd ever see each other.**_

All these thoughts run through Eiji's head, while he doesn't even realize his hands are shaking. Ibe-san continues to apologize, as if he had any part in this. In whatever happened to Ash right after Eiji left him alone. Right after Eiji left him alone, instead of staying with him and making sure he'd feed himself, get enough sleep, and _wouldn't get killed._

“Ibe-san. Don't apologize. It's already happened before. Ash- getting in trouble I mean. People thought he was dead last time too- But I know he can’t be. I'll just- go back and try my best to save him again.”

The words are out before he can even think about it. He doesn't know what he's saying. Ibe-san seems stunned into silence, while Eiji just goes on and on without being able to stop, slathering fake confidence and fake hope onto his words. But his shaky voice is not fooling either of them.  
Ibe – he doesn't know how to react in the face of Eiji's denial, despite having expected anything.

“I know he's not dead, Ibe-san. He's hiding somewhere, alone. I have to go back to him-”

The older man closes his eyes, clenching his phone so hard his knuckles turn white. His eyes are burning beneath his lids. He knows Eiji's are as well. 

“Ei-chan, I know this must be so hard but-”

“No, I know he's out there and I need to be by his side,” Eiji's voice is frantic yet barely loud enough for Ibe to hear him, and the desperate tone in his voice feels like a stab in the heart. “I need to go back-”

“Sing saw the body. _Max saw the body_. He's gone, Ei-chan.”

That's all he got to say before he heard the sound of Eiji hanging up.

If Ibe could've taken his words back at that moment, he would've. But hearing his former assistant's distress had affected him, and made him reckless with his words. 

They flew to America two days later. 

Eiji never truly came back after that.

* * *

The first cry is enough to wake Sing up, who's always been a light sleeper. He throws his blanket aside and dashes to Eiji’s room, on alert. 

He sees him, writhing and legs tangled with his own blanket- sweating, his face contorted. Another nightmare. 

Sing climbs onto the bed and surrounds Eiji with his arms, holding him strongly. Nuzzles into Eiji’s hair and “shh”s him; a desperate attempt to soothe down the other man’s unconscious distress. 

“Ash-“ Eiji begs with a croaky, broken voice. 

Sing holds him tighter.

They don’t talk about Eiji’s nightmares. Eiji brushes it off.

* * *

Reading Ash’s work on his computer is eye-opening. Yet, Sing never would’ve thought on doing it were it not for Eiji asking him about it. He’s never even thought of touching any of Ash’s personal belongings in this apartment without Eiji’s approval. 

The first time he gets to go through Ash’s files, he spends hours sitting in front of the screen. His take on every subject was incredibly developed and complex, and Sing can’t help but feel impressed every time. 

After turning off the engine, he goes back to his bedroom. He never sees Eiji slipping into the living room and staring at the computer, a hand softly resting on it. 

The day after, Eiji asks Sing if he wants to move the computer into his bedroom.

* * *

One day, as Sing enters the apartment, he smells fire. It only takes him a second to realize what the scent is, before running to the kitchen where Eiji is just standing with a hand frozen in mid-air, a few gyoza burning on the pan. Sing frantically turns the stove off, before asking Eiji if he's hurt, holding his hands and his face with difficulty, as he still is slightly shorter than the Japanese man. Eiji stares at Sing blankly. His long bangs won't allow Sing to properly see his eyes- and before Sing can shake Eiji out of his stupor, the older one speaks up.

“Ash... He's never coming back, is he?”

Sing feels petrified. But Eiji doesn’t see it, doesn’t think about it. He goes on, staring out at the window with clouded eyes, vulnerability painted all over his face.

“I mean- that's obvious. But I thought I knew what “forever” really meant, until he died. It- It seemed so easy to tell him I’d stay with him forever, but-“

For two years, Sing had seen Eiji call for Ash in his sleep. He had seen him struggle with nightmares about Ash. He had seen his fake smiles for what felt like ages already. He had seen him tremble whenever they’d get too close to the public library. He had seen him run frantically after blonde strangers on the street. 

But he had never seen him actually cry yet. Not until now.

It’s like a dam had crumbled down, unannounced and brutal. They both realize at that moment that Eiji has reached a breaking point. He suddenly stumbles and Sing catches onto him as his walls break. He doesn’t know if the older man knows about the letter- and doesn’t have the courage to ask yet.

* * *

Eiji goes back into his shell after that day. 

Sing doesn’t want to pry now that he’s truly seen the extent of the other’s pain. He feels powerless. And above all, he feels _guilt._

* * *

Then Akira comes in, much, much later. 

She’s endearing. Energetic. Like a mini Eiji, despite being Ibe’s niece. Small, just like Eiji too, Sing thinks. 

She looks for Ash. 

Little does she know Eiji has been looking for him as well.

* * *

Something clicked after their visit to Cape cod. Okumura-san seemed less tired than usual; appeased- although Akira will never forget the expression on his face when he ran after the blonde stranger. Then, as soon as they returned to to New York, he locked himself in his room- said he had to prepare his pictures for the exhibition. His eyes were suspiciously red-rimmed and puffy when he came back for dinner. But with one shared glance, Akira and Sing silently agreed on acting oblivious. 

* * *

_“Aslan. Akira.”_

Upon seeing Okumura-san’s face as he gazed at the picture with fond eyes, she wondered if he would ever let Ash go. And if Ash would ever let Okumura-san go. But Okumura-san said he’d stay with Ash forever. And as long as she’s known him, he’d never broken a promise.

However right now, as he’s looking at Ash’s picture, he seems content. His eyes are shining with heartbroken tears, but his smile is genuine. 

His whole body is gently lit by the morning sun, as if the dawn meant to embrace him. 

So Akira smiles too.

* * *

After going through all of Ash’s pictures once again, Okumura Eiji dreams of green eyes, blonde hair and fleeting moments in a luxurious penthouse.  


He can taste the natto. Hear Ash's teasing voice. Smell the half eaten shrimp and avocado salad. Remember the warmth of Ash’s body as he slept on his chest. The river in Cape Cod. Ash’s loving gaze on him. His “forever”s. Their silent "I love you"s.

He sleeps peacefully on that night.

 

**Author's Note:**

> twitter


End file.
